Eragon: The secret Diaries
by MuffinsandCheese
Summary: I don't like Eragon much myself... And I really Like the Lord of the Rings: The Secret Diaries. So Here's an Eragon Version. I promise It's funny.
1. The Secret Diaries of Eragon

The secret Diaries of Eragon

Eragon—

Day one

Am now fifteen. Yay Me! V. pleased about midnight hunting trip, although uncle is a bit too eager to go. Am V. reluctant on letting him, after seeing him nance about the living room like a ponce. Bloody relatives.

_Later_

Am V. glad uncle did not come. He groped me on the way out, and then nanced back into the living room. Bloody Ponce. Hunting trip failed, as could not catch anything. Nobody said you had to be pretty _and _work. Found V. nice rock, though. Can't eat it, but am sure can get cousin/brother to try. He is, after all, an idiot.

Day Two

Brother/Cousin is leaving. Said something about finding work in another town before the royal ponces come for him. Uncle is V. sad. But still will not stop nancing about, and groping me at night. V. Unsettling. Have tried to sell rock to sweaty fat butcher. When information about origin is given, am told to shove it up my arse. Lord knows more uncomfortable things have been up there. Have been having dreams about hippie-elf-chick. Has no one told her that suede is not for travel? Bloody swot. Am also extremely intrigued by smelly old man in town. Am sure if he washes he could be mildly attractive.

Day Three.

Apparently V. Nice rock was an egg. Flying Lizard came out. Perhaps could set it to guard my room, so nancing uncle does not come in to bother me. (Really, once was more than enough, thank you.) Now have dashing scar on left hand. Dragon decided that it would look dandy. Dragon is now biting diary. Bloody lizard.

Day Four

Have spotted creepy bug-men in town. Must tell onetruelove smelly old man that they might attack. Sneaking into hut is dangerous. Do it anyway for kicks. Man grabs me and tells me that I am a Dragon rider. Mostly all can concentrate on are deliciously chapped lips. Note: Get man some cherry scented chap-stick. It does wonders.

Day Five

Dragon has matured. Is now bigger than house, so she must stay in the forest. Have a creepy feeling that she watches me at night. Man ((whose name I am V. pleased to note is Brom)) has been staying away since our rendezvous. Fear that Dragon might kill him if he tries anything. Went out to see dragon, and was temporarily kidnapped. Have a feeling it was because Brom and nancing uncle were fighting about who got to play sheath the sword with me on their team. ((What _ is_ sheath the sword anyway?)) Dragon dropped me off at house after I threatened suicide. Being emo has its perks. House has burnt down. Heard that crying is temporarily in and suede is out; so I had a good cry over him. ((though the nancing has stopped…)) Brom came, and I could mentally hear dragon berating him, but didn't care. He got me a pony!

Day six

Am slightly mad at Brom, has made me ride a V. long way without my routine manicures. Slightly miffed. After much nancing, he asks to see my dragon. He looked V. disappointed when Saphira showed up. Wonder why? Saphira V. angry with Brom. Says the creepy pedophile won't take her Eragon away. Why is everyone being such a ponce today?

Day Seven

As Saphira cannot breathe fire yet, she is forced to sit as Brom and I speeddate train. ((He promised to do my toes later if I trained with him. He also told me that leather makes my hindquarters look big. Asked Saphira. She disagreed.))

Day Eight

Have gone into a creepy town. Met fortuneteller who told me about my destiny. It was far too vague. Was then attacked by Lord of The Rings rip-off service men. Were not V. pretty, or polite. Performed magic. Go me! Blacked out. Came to, and trousers were done wrong. Whats up with that?

Day Ten

Am still having dreams about Hippie Elf Chick. Have repeatedly told her that suede makes her skin look V. blotchy. She disagrees. Also mentioned that her hair was looking limp. She said she was in captivity. Captivity is no excuse for limp hair. Am now learning to fly Saphira, who is now even angrier with Brom. He smiles charmingly. Saphira is V. fast. Perform more magic. Was attacked by Creepy Bug men. Informed of plot on my life. And of Mission to the Varden. I wonder if they'll think leather makes my butt look large…

Day Eleven

Am secretly going to smuggle Hippie elf Chick some magazines. Saphira agrees that her fashion sense is awful. Then begins playing with my belt loop via tail. She's been doing that a lot lately… Is also V. glad to leave Brom behind. Am sad. Though shall see him soon. Left him a pressie of chap-stick. Hope he likes it.

Day Fourteen

Am sorely irritated. loveofmylife Brom was killed by a spear aimed for me. Though am V. glad to be alive, am still quite sore about my older love dying. Saphira gave in and gave him a little ride to help him along. Hippie Elf Chick is sulking about the loss of her suede. Leather looks much better. During our amazing Cosmopolitan discussion, slimy-evil-man nances in, and decides to attack. ((this is where my darling Brom takes the spear.)) Some other dark haired boy helped us. He might be prettier than me if he washes his hair. Damn.

Day Twenty

Haven't had any time to write. V. Sorry. Arrived at the Varden. They fussed over Hippie Elf Chick more than me. Was V. miffed. Dark haired boy decided to come with us, and was imprisoned; felt a little bad for him, though he is rather attractive. Dragon might kill him if he tries anything. ((Though now he can't wash his hair.)) Being the prettiest feels good. Hippie elf chick overly decked out in black armor and feathers. Didn't say anything, because she had a V. sharp sword on hand. Am told something about leading a battle against the forces of darkness. Bloody ponces.

Day twenty Two

Have successfully defeated forces of darkness, lead by slimy-evil man. He nanced about on top of his shadow creature, and then told me that my but looked rather large in leather. He died quite soon. ((although the Varden told me it looked tight and fabulous. Or maybe that was the champagne and bubble bath….)) Thought dragon was dead for a while. Nearly gave life-force to bring her back. It was V. manly and dramatic. Was then nursed back to health by my Dark Haired boy. Found out that dragon was alive. Definitely know that dragon will kill him if he tries anything.

Damn.


	2. The Secret Diaries of Brom

Brom—

Day one

Have seen extremely pretty boy staing at me. Makes me feel attractive. If only his nancing uncle would leave him alone.

Day two

Have a strong Suspicion that pretty boy is a Dragon rider. Brotherly-love abundant. Have yet to see his dragon. Am going to make my way to his house to demand he be alone with me/trained.

Day Three

Boy has come to visit me. I slam him up against wall, and try to ascertain whether or not he likes me for me. Then inform him of Dragon riders, and useless plot twists. Nancing Uncle has picked a fight over who gets to spend the most alone time with Pretty Boy (whose name is Eragon…). Stormed off, after uncle made bad sword-sheath analogy. Muttering under breath may have sadly alerted creepy-bug-men to Eragon's presence. Must go back to house. Maybe Nancing uncle will see reason.

_Later_

Nancing Uncle has not seen reason. Is V. dead. Eragon is now all mine. To train… I mean. He's awfully pretty, but the leather does make his rear look quite big. But still delectable.

Day four

Have requested to see his dragon. Apparently he did not get the hint, and pulled the wrong one out. Oh well. There's always tomorrow. Or not… Afraid Dragon might kill me if I try anything.

Day six

Must actually train Eragon. Am slightly miffed that he is such a ponce. Worrying about his fingernails. But he is really pretty…Went into town to get some surprise blue nail polish for Eragon. Dragon is not around, so a little fun can currently ensue. Was attacked by ugly things. Nail polish lost in the shuffle. Drat. Eragon performed magic. Slightly jealous.

I hope he doesn't notice his pants…

Day Seven

Apparently Eragon is having dreams about a Hippie Elf Chick. I assume it's Arya, she has absolutely no fashion sense. Doesn't she know that suede makes her skin look awfully blotchy? And her hair is rather limp… Why is Eragon having dreams about her? I bought him a pony, dammnit! Told Eragon that leather made his rear look extremely large. He got all poncy and nanced away. Suspect he is informing dragon of my transgressions. Must sleep with one V. open eye.

Day eight

Have noticed Eragon getting all antsy. Suspect he is planning to sneak off with dragon. Luckily she cannot breathe fire yet. But hand is still smarting from when I tried to help Eragon onto his horse. Bloody lizard.

_Later_

Suspicion confirmed. Eragon has snuck off with my most recent Cosmopolitan magazine to save Arya. Drat. Was going to check my horoscope. But hopefully she will realize brown suede looks horrible on her. And that free shampoo sample might liven up her hair… Have decided to follow them. Will let Eragon know that relationship needs smoothing out. Hopefully dragon will not interrupt.

Day Nine

Am Dying. Am V. miffed. Took spear in chest for Eragon after Durza took my comment about his sliminess to the next level. Feel heartbeat slowing. Dragon gave me a lovely ride, and told me that I wasn't so bad, now that I was too weak to try anything.

Bloody-poncy-lizard.


	3. The Secret Diaries of Arya

Arya—

Day one

Am trying to protect flying-lizard-egg. Am V. miffed because Durza appeared, still angry from our broken date. What can one expect when one is slimy, unwashed, and has disturbingly sticky hair? And the forces of evil also lose him points. Got V. angry when I told him this, and imprisoned me. Then told me that suede makes me look blotchy and pale. Tossed egg to a very pretty human boy who was whining about chipped nail polish. Good thing he got it.

Day Two

Hair is becoming limp and stringy due to captivity. Durza still V. angry. He took away my lavendar-scented shampoo after I told him he was looking especially greasy that day. Have been sending images of myself to pretty human boy. Am afraid one was miss-sent to "Elvettes Gone Wild". Am worrying about self-image.

Day Five

Am no longer the prettiest, as human-boy (Eragon) has spruced himself up. He has finally begun talking to me, only to tell me that suede makes me look blotchy. Am in dire need of a mirror, and shampoo. Hair is starting to resemble Durza's. Am also receiving images back from Eragon. Brom keeps hitting on him. That Dragon will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six

Am being tortured. It is quite irritating as it will leave temporarily unsightly scars. Durza offered me my freedom for a date. Declined, as am worried about reputation and state of hair. Durza went all poncy, and nanced away.

Day Seven

Was rescued by Brom, Eragon, and Dark-Haired-pretty Human boy. He keeps winking at Eragon. Dragon will kill him if he tries anything… Brom took a spear in the chest after Durza thought we were all having a foursome without him. Brom insulted his sliminess, and got shiskebabed. Ponce.

_Later_

Brom died after being given a ride by Dragon, who hates him. Eragon sobbed over the loss of Cherry scented Lip-gloss and Brom. Suspect it was because Dark-Haired boy was stalking us, and tears make Eragon's face more noticeable.

Day Eight

Journeyed to meet Varden. Got fussed over by scantily dressed men. Eragon was V. miffed. He also asked about leather and his rear-end. We lied to make him feel better. Must go off to fight forces of darkness, and get barely any screen time. Go me!

_Later_

Have returned from a V. tedious battle. Hundreds dies. My nail got chipped, how I mourn it so. Eragon has disappeared with Dragon. Either dead, or having "quality time". Hope it's the former. Am Prettiest again.

Day Nine

Apparently Eragon was off having an illicit weekend with Dragon and Dark-haired human boy. Comes nancing back to inform me that I am no longer prettiest. Drat. Dragon seems awfully possessive of Eragon. Perhaps Dark-Haired human boy got too close? Am off to get a much needed Manicure. Cannot believe the nerve of those people! Dying on my nail….

Bloody Ponces.


	4. The Secret Diaries of Murtgah

Murtgah—

Day one

Ran away from home. Father has said I cannot wear my sparkly nail-polish to Post World Domination meetings. Outrageous. Have left a note saying that I will not stand for these offenses. How else am I to stay pretty? Am now wandering through the woods.

_Later_

Stalked a very pretty boy and an older man. Am V. Jealous; he is prettier than me. Seems to be something going on between the two of them. Pretty boy has amazing dragon-friend that continually plays with his belt loop. Older man looks irritated at this.

_Still Later_

Older man ((Brom)) has said that they will be journeying to the Varden for protection. Think I'll tag along. Older man is training Eragon. Looks more like they're playing "rip the shirt off of my muscle-encased body with your sword."

Did I just say that?

Day Two

Apparently Training has been going well. When creepy bug men attacked them, Eragon fought one while Brom took on the other three. Hey, nobody said you had to be pretty and capable. Dragon was injured. Got very upset when older man tried to sneak off with Eragon. Dragon will definitely kill him if he tries anything. Can't fault him for trying, though. Eragon is V. pretty… Although Leather makes his butt look huge. No complaints on this End.

Day Three

Am, in short, quite miffed. Eragon Snuck off to help some elf chick with her fashion issues. ((If she can't see that brown suede makes her look like a pepperoni, then there's no help for her.)) Helped them break out, but he said nothing about the haircut I got before coming with an extra issue of Cosmo. Fashionably late is in.

_Later_

Went back to sulking afterwards. Eragon even let Brom ride his dragon. _Never lets ME ride the bloody lizard._ Am starting to feel very unattractive. No one notices my new bad-boy looks, and worst of all, my sparkly nail polish has gone missing. I suspect that elf. I wont blame her for it. At least people will have something other to look at than her Horribly Blotchy skin…

Day Five

Am helping Eragon and Blotchy Elf-woman find their way to the Varden. Luckily, since older-man is dead, he is now making eyes at me. ((Though I strongly suspect he is jealous that I'm prettier than him. He won't let me get a good hair-washing…)) Have still not ridden on the dragon. Am quite cross.

Day Eight

Am being held in captivity with the Varden for being the King's son. Am strongly suspecting Eragon is gloating about inability to wash hair. Am also starting to think of betraying them because hair is starting to loose luster. They have also confiscated my cherry shampoo. Damn those Varden. Hippie Elf chick has changed into black feathery armor. ((Tacky, but much better than the suede….)) Grunge is developing under perfectly manicured nails. Have no way to clean them. Am becoming insanely germ-phobic.

God I hope they let me out soon.

Day Nine

Fought the forces of Darkness today. Was kind of fun, despite my two seconds of camera time. Many were killed. Elf Chick kept whining about her nail. It was slightly

sparkly. Suspicion confirmed. Wench took my nail polish. Should report her to dad… Durza nanced about on his shadow demon, but was cut short by Eragon's dragon, who nearly died in the forest. Am looking for Eragon's body. Want to find it before anyone else….

Day Eleven

Was nursing Eragon back to health. Hope he doesn't notice his pants… Dragon Might kill me if pants are noticed...Was slightly irritated when he woke; was the prettiest for two days straight. Unfortunately, living in a cave offset that. Not good for keeping up a pretty appearance let me tell you. Eragon then snatched my latest "People" magazine out of my hands, and went to find Elf Chick; to give her last minute fashion tips. Don't blame him. Anyone who wears wrinkly linen ought to be thrashed, honestly.

Wonder if Eragon's got some whips to go along with his leather pants…?


End file.
